Saturday, November 12, 2011

Couch Pain and Icy Rain

My son took this picture.  It has been wet and cold.  The kind of cold that gets to your bones and especially that area in your back that won't get warm no mater how many blankets you TRY and cover it with, (because your furry loving family is cuddling up to stay warm too!)  So you fall asleep knowing they are safe and warm, (oh my back is cold!), and wake to BLAST the heat for your morning java.
I imagine someone snapping a photo as my son cuddles in, (we found a NASTY, sleepy wasp in his room the other night, AND he read about some false SPIDER disease that lays spiders in your bloodstream that I PROMISED to read first thing with my java this am), my kitty plopped on my cramping arm and my beloved Idunn who has stolen my pillow and declared this warm spot of my bed to be her own.  I would not have it any other way, it is warm, (sort of), and it is love.

Since this past sad summer, when time stood still with Rosie's illness, I cannot believe how time is now going so fast! I have begun this blog many times in my head and had to rearrange my head because SO many things have happened since Rosie's Great niece, Idunn, has come into my life.  My son played a video of Rosie yesterday and I broke into tears not knowing why it affected me so instantly and brutally.  Such is the love a service dog.

Idunn is giving this love of life back to me with every second I breath. The last five days though, I don't want to get up. I know it is my disease returning after the 'high' of getting Idunn, because I feel the devastating, 'drop'.  I feel the couch eating me up, the television turned on at 10:00 am, drapes closed and shameful hiding from the world, total disgust at what I have not cleaned or the shameful person I am.  Never goes away, I know this.  Manic is a very hard thing to come down from.
I hope your chasing squirrels my angel, I miss you Rosie.
 My housecoat has been my forever, heavy blanket and it pins me to my house, bed and couch with the weight of a vise squeezing at first on my  head and then all the way down to my ankles. Why has this come back? I have so much to DO! And I cancel all of it, I cannot do anything, the shackles have returned.  I HATE this disease, I hate me, I miss Rosie.
 I cannot look outside of the prison that has returned to paralyze me on the couch, sleep. Can't move, don't want to, and 4 days go by drowning in self hatred. I do not know why, I don't. Today is Saturday.  PLEASE let me wake up to Idunn's sweet kissies and make it go away!!

Good Morning sweet girl. It's Saturday.  I'm back! Sort of, but the squeezing housecoat has gone away for now, god I hate that housecoat. I am going to think of all the things I have done this month, AMAZING, wonderful and numerous things!! wow! (housecoat sneeking back...GO AWAY!)...mental illness sucks, even I don't understand it after over fifty years of living it, I sure know that it hurts and hurts enough to kill. But, I don't want to die.
There's my smiley girl!!
We went on the bus to Donny's, (my son's), school for his poetry class.  Rainy, dark icky day and we made it.  That is what Idunn helps me do, make it! Today was a better day, and the day before, a better day. I know that my illness will never go away and that some days it will grab a hold and  squeeze me paralyzed, but the days it does this are decreasing, to only maybe 4 days a month. This was my every day life before service dogs.  I never really lived before my service dogs, I never felt alive.
Idunn gets the reality separate from the disassociation, (getting lost in your own reality or self), and brings me back, from the couch, she 'wakes' me up, even when I don't want to be woken up. The reality is, I have been EVERYWHERE with Idunn :):):), Tradex Dog Show, Puppy training class, my son's school for numerous classes, buses, parks, always with confidence and a calm demeanor, beautiful~  So I never expected the return of my depression after a manic, then subdued, peaceful and most welcome period in my life. Just looking and loving my Idunn was taking me to a higher level of loving myself and appreciating everything that was happening, there was no 'numb feeling', but a renewed sparkle, just look at her, wow!

I was doing extremely well. Ya, well that's when the disease get's ya, full force, SLAMS ya down, no mercy, 'couch land' with shackles for you. And believe me, you stay shackled.

Sorry readers, for my language, but F**K YO*, dam mental illness...I have a life to lead and the sweetest service dog that awakens me every morning with loving kisses.  If you don't go away she will paw me and kiss me some more. If you persist on bringing me down, she will bark and jump on me! Idunn's love will bring YOU DOWN.  She does every morning, I forget the prison when her cold nose touches my face. Then, a friendly paw, then, (if I STILL do not get out of bed), a JUMP on the bed and INSISTENCE nose nudges till I get out of bed, Idunn is the BEST and most loving way to wake up, only Idunn could push away the demons with such a sparkle, so simply, they are gone.
This blog has not really been about all the adventures and life Idunn has made possible for me the last month and a half but more about living with mental illness and how Idunn helps me with it, I could not live the life I do without her. The monsters that chain me to the couch still take hold but Idunn's sweet and loving nudges bring me back to life and dissolve them for me. Every human being I encounter, I encounter with nervousness but with Idunn there, I'm special again, I count, I matter.  I always have existed, but without her by my side, to my mind, I don't.


'Who You are Makes a Difference', you matter to me special and most loved readers. I hope you know how much.

Forever Hugs and Love,

Leanne and Idunn