Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Here Comes The Sun

This will not be a sad, lonely post but a thank you to my Rosie's spirit who has carried me on, and still pushes me, every day, and it's not a mild push! It will be a week tomorrow since my beloved angel passed to her rainbow bridge and I want this post to be her inspiration to anyone who has lost a beloved best friend.  If you happen to share my sorrow or have lost a service dog, I only know that you must believe, life goes on.  It just does.

Your best friend is gone, your way of life, your way of coping, surviving, loving life, and just plain every day functioning.  There was actually nothing plain about it, miracle is a better word.

 I have not stopped cleaning, (FEROCIOUSLY cleaning), since the day Rosie passed, and it is a good thing.  I have enveloped my kitty and son in loving attention, Rosie would approve. Although, every second of every day is different, quiet, surreal and very, very, numb.  At first I tried to see Rosie in everything I saw, felt, touched, smelled and experienced. I had to let that go.

  Rosie was not to be in any moment of my life that I wanted her to be in, she was gone.  The finality of her passing, I denied for days.  I looked at pictures, many, many pictures, over and over again.  Maybe she was just at my sisters? Your brain plays comforting tricks on you when your reality tells you that Rosie would never be anywhere without you.
Shock and Denial and I would add SURREAL, to this list. I felt a familiar loss of reality when my Mom died, a disconnection, a denial.
  Then, I tried to walk to the store.  I stopped breathing with loss.  I turned back twice, I vomited  not the first time since Rosie died, but,  I made it.

I promised myself to NEVER do that again, too freaking scary!! A nightmare! I tried again today, pushing myself is something I rather admire about myself and I was blessed enough that BOTH times a friend saw me and helped me, must of looked a mess!
Denial, shock, downright hell on earth.  Just sucks.
Life just sucks. Clean, cry, clean, cry, clean, cry, sleep, wake up and cry. All around you, life goes on, people say their blessings and forget, life goes on.  Cars drive by, people phone, (I don't answer), kids scream outside, SHUTUP!!! Grief takes it toll. Anger is a stage, and I fully realize this because I wanted to hurt myself, for hurting Rosie, for not helping her, for not saving her. Grief, guilt and blame.

Thinking of Buddy saved me, and thinking of the Rainbow Bridge.  Time saved me. Thinking I wanted to bop the bitchy young girl at the gas station that was so MEAN to me saved me. I have NO time for people now, I do not even LOOK at them if they are not family or close friends, terrified of them to tell the truth. Grief..anger, betrayal.

The last two days, I have not pressured myself so much to see Rosie in the clouds or believe that she is coming back, because you do.  I saw her die, but dreamed that the veterinarian did something wrong and I hired a detective to get her back. I dreamed she was in a corral with a horse that was hurting her, I could not save her. Grief, denial, blame.

Only today did I stop pushing, (except for yet another trip by myself that a friend saved me from, my mental illness, not my tears), and I felt a warm, tender ray of sunshine push through to me. I had to let it come to me and stop so desperately looking for Rosie in my life, she no longer lives in my life, but in the sunshine and HER life.  I had to let it be. I saw her smile in the clouds.

The stages of grief go on and around and upside down and sideways, all through your emotions and physical body like a roller coaster.  Sometimes calm and serene, sometimes like a bulldozer. I know that the bulldozer hits you when you least expect it, a smell, a song, any remembering moment in your life cascades a flood of memories that leave you breathless, stunned, sad.  It's like your lost one is right there, but you can't touch them, it's like their life has returned to you, but you can't get it. Grief, your alone.

Your very precious reason for living, IS very precious and has been returned to their home. I believe now that Rosie was sent to me, little insignificant me, as a very treasured gift.  I could not keep her forever.

She had to return to her home where she will run and play and not feel any pain, she deserves that. I must not own her, she has a place to go. I was given a gift and so loved that gift that I never, ever wanted to let it go, it was mine! Rosie came to me to teach me, to let me enrich my life and cherish what she taught me. Most importantly, what she taught me must carry on because that is why she became a part of my life. This must be the HARDEST part of letting someone so miraculous go, to take what they taught you and carry on in life, because life goes on.  Grief, acceptance, purpose.

Rosie was a miracle.  She truly was.  A very wise person told me that what a service dog does is make the service dog's person a miracle.  The dog makes the person truly believe in their self. The spiritual and physical connection between a person and their service dog is infinitely 'healing'. It is like the service dog has brought their person back home.

 I still feel the 'home' Rosie taught me but of course everything is different now. When someone you love is gone, every molecule of what you see is gone, though everything is still there.  Grief, sometimes you just do not know what stage you are in and do not care.  I do know that I am feeling ever bit of it and hope that sharing this with you might help you when you are lonely or in need of a loving story of hope.
Rosie taught me hope, to carry on, get off the couch!
I have forgotten how very miraculous that was for me to just get off the dam couch! It was my prison.

I wrote in a previous post that I could not clean my bathroom because it smelled of Rosie and her many baths because of her illness this summer.  My bathroom had a dark blue shower curtain and dark blue towels.

Today I bought a white curtain with what I think, is on it, a tree of life.  To some...ya, a shower curtain with a stuffy toy, to me a celebration of life with my Rosie above it all.  Maybe kind of silly and crazy? Well, never said I was sane, and starting to love myself just the way I am.  My life is becoming increasingly brighter every day with the light of Rosie's spirit and all she taught me about living life.

 I am feeling better now, even though I know the stages of grief can grip you like a vice and not let go, they still do, especially at night. When it is time to stop moving, everything is done and there is only time to think, to miss someone.  Night time is very hard.

When sleep finally arrives and a good dream dissolves into my morning, I awake with only the medicinal smell of Rosie. No Rosie to bath, medicate and comfort. Thank you God, I know there must be many squirrels at the Rainbow Bridge for her.
There are so many people to talk to, to help, to let them know the miracle that is life, they can live it!
Many more adventures to come my friends, I hope there is something, somewhere in this post that may light your way to some comfort and peace. Our loved ones want us to keep learning till we see them again.

Much love and peace

Saturday, September 17, 2011

My Angel Returns to Heaven

My Rosie passed away in my arms Thursday Sept. 15, 2011. This will be Rosie's last post but never the end of her story or mine.  I only wish I could have had the gift of her grace, devotion and endless love for much longer but the years I spent with her by my side were the best years I have ever had.
She LOVED to steal my pillow and give me that look that said, ' I know ya love me mom, I love you too'.
Rosie and I battled this summer to keep her well, but lost the battle and Rosie needed to stop hurting. I will not cry for her because she is no longer in a body that  turned against her, she was so very brave. She never whined or complained, I knew she would walk a million miles if I asked her too. I miss her so much. I cannot clean the bathroom tonight, maybe tomorrow because I can smell her coat and shampoo from the many baths she needed this summer. I will try and let you go Rosie girl, I promise.

I look up into the sky and try to see her in the clouds, just a wisp of her tail or beautiful eyes, but I do not see her. Maybe tonight she will be in my dreams so I can touch her one more time, I hope so.

The very first day Sharon brought Rosie to my house, she bounced through the house! So happy! I truly believe she saved my life. My son fell in love, his first best friend, Rosie and Donny loved to hug.
Rosie was my healer, my inspiration, my way to connect with the outside world. Her gentleness and beauty taught me that the world would not hurt me. When I walked with Rosie the whole world stopped to smile, she healed so many and gave her gift to countless children, adults and her furry best friend, Kessa.
My heart physically hurts and I'm shedding tears for my loss, her pain is over and that brings me joy and peace. Such a gentle soul never deserved to hurt.

I have years of happy memories with Rosie that I will cherish forever and I will try to not cry so much my angel girl. I would love to hold you just one more time as you were before you got sick, I wouldn't have you suffer any longer.
My kitty is looking for Rosie and sometimes for a moment I forget she is not here, but not for long. When a leaf twirls down from my tree out back, I remember her in the leaves, her coat the color of  golden autumn.
I miss you too much right now my little girl and will write more soon of your unique and gentle gifts.

Rosie would have been nine in November, gone too soon, anytime would of been to soon for my family and me. I'll miss you at Christmas little girl, you so loved the snow! I will never forget your ENDLESS patience posing for me so many times with your Santa hat on, thank you Rosie.

Rosie took me to beautiful lakes and rivers, the beach, she took me to the sky. She took me to life and made me feel like a star. Rosie was the shining star, on television and radio but mostly she was the shining star in my heart that my illness had dulled to a very faint flicker.
Rosie illuminated that flicker to a bright, loving, white light that trusted the world again, she taught me love.

Cheryl from Cherfire Collies where Rosie was born sent me some pictures of her that I would love to share. Even as a little tiny girl she was a star, third from the left in the picture of her siblings. She was a Mom, and I am positive a very loving and devoted one.
Thank you all for sharing some of the millions of memories I have of my very special service dog, Rosie. She was a part of my every thought and second of my life. She still is and always will be.  I pray that she has a very peaceful, special place at the Rainbow Bridge and will cherish the day I can be with her again. 

Goodbye my little girl, thank you for my life and your love, Hugs and kisses forever from your Mom.
I promise to try and be strong without you and make you proud of me
I miss you Rosie, play and rest at your Rainbow Bridge

November 6, 2002 - September 15, 2011