It has been so long since I have posted and I have so missed you all! As the blog title suggests there have been some very bad times. This is the reason the post has been so long coming. Time can pass with a mental illness when you do not wish to tell anyone how bad it is. The last month has been this way. I have been hiding in a place where a baseball bat has been hitting my head with every insult you can imagine.
It helps me to write and that helps me heal. Rosie is forever by my side through the darkness and never fails to make me laugh. Rosie is the reason I get through this. She is with me every second, every day. Rosie is why I survive.
I have promised to do things, disappointed and confused friends, and mostly been in a battle with my own mind. Rosie has been there through it all. The face I show to the world is acceptable, normal, even friendly. Rosie knows that these days have been surreal to me and scary,she knows, she looks at me. My HOPE in this 'mind battle' is Rosie. She makes me laugh!
Have you ever had that person in your life that you can remember that makes you laugh? They are oh so special. Rosie chases my cat around the couch, (when she forgets she is so behaved ),,she plays! We all must remember to play!
My retreat to the isolation in life began with that nasty H1N1 flu, i got it. Its just the flu right? The doctor told me I had it and just to relax, treat it like the normal flu. Yup, ok. I can do that. Cried all the way home and sent Donny to his Dad's, (oh so far away in my mind), as my son is high risk. (chronic lung problems).
Not so good for a person who is depressed. Nope. That began a month of missing my son, no homeschooling for my son..GUILT, (that can ruin you!) and a great trigger for a psychotic episode. It happened.
To much time to think....to much time to be sad and sick. The ONLY thing that connected me to the world was............you guessed it! Rosie!
Rosie at the park, Rosie needed breakfast, Rosie was by my side. She's just there, always. Thank God.
My son is gone. I am lonely, sick, bored and depressed) Rosie is my lifeline, my best friend.
I can only control ONE THING.. I cannot control things i promise to do in the morning, things committed to, places i need to go. I am sad that I cant do things I mean too, they do not happen. I do not know why! It makes me confused! BUT I can control my meds. I am out of meds.
I take Rosie to the park, our morning stroll. For some reason....for weeks...that is all I can do. WHY?
No more meds. People wonder why people who need these meds stop them cold turkey. For a glorious moment the headaches are gone,no constant head heavyness! Your head is light! There is no pain in there!
You reach the end of your rope, you just cant get out to get them, you stay home.I think I can do this..not so bad..some brain zaps..if there is anything i can do it is control my meds. When everything else in my life is out of control...at least i can do this. Just hang on one more day...stop the meds. Wake up to a sunny morning when your ok. I cried for days.
I never miss taking Rosie out to the park, (she doesn't let me. alerts, barks,,paws at me,,good girl!). These days she always stared RIGHT at me, like something was wrong, it was.
The brain zaps,,were not really zaps. This is the withdrawal from the antidepressants I take. They are more like body movements,jerky shifts, (when you are not moving),like body shadows moving very fast. I knew this would happen. I just wanted to handle it..to challenge something in my life and come out a winner, (have people like me and all that stuff). I lost this battle big time!
This is where Rosie came in to save my life. When I had no meds, (the brain does not compute to ...get more!) I just thought...STAY HOME..handle it. By the time withdrawal came two days later, I could only walk with Rosie and a determined mind not to fall over. THIS morning i could nothing but run!!!!!!!! My whole body rushing and sweating and missing time....MISSING time in my mind,,,not my body..FREAKY!
I have looked this up and it is called the 'Cinderella Syndrome'. You think you move or fall, but you dont.
I CANT TELL YOU HOW ROSIE BY MY SIDE GOT ME TO THE DOCTORS!! Can you imagine? Me speeding at 100 miles per hour, (in my head), my feet feeling floaty enough to step INTO the sidewalk. We were home in a minute,,(it seemed) was actually 3 hours. Rosie took me, Rosie guided me, Rosie lead me home. I could not have done this without her. I would have been taken to the hospital.
I am back on my meds now. It frightens me to think of going off them, (wish i could,,maybe taper off). Always fighting that invisible illness.There is always that mindset that does not want to be mentally ill. Wouldn't you NOT want to be mentally ill? Its scary, and most importantly invisible. The day I floated to the Doctors with Rosie I talked to over 10 people, I talked fast.... They never knew how desperately I wanted that pharmacist to fill my prescription so I could walk home on concrete and not air,,(a bizzare, heart pounding air). They didnt know how I tried so hard to come off an addictive pill that i must take every day. They thought me friendly, talkative and sincere. Rosie stayed very close that day because she know the chaos inside, she knew.
Taking my meds, dam terrified to stop them. The doctor has given me some anti-anxiety meds that i had prevously stopped as they were addictive. They are helping. I must wonder about my antidepressants that when stopped have EXTREME consequences to body and mind and an anti-anxiety medicine that I can stop at anytime without any side-effects. These anti-anxiety medicines are labeled 'addicting'. hmmm....Just a thought for you out there that may help...Rosie is the best anti-anxiety medicine ever,,,just pet her head or stroke her fur.look into her eyes.You will know what I mean.
My life has settled down EXTREMELY!! My son Donny is doing so well with homeschooling. Yes! I homeschool him! I am a very intelligent loving mom.
Leeta , (our kitty), is sitting by Donny as he reads his school book on Native Peoples. Donny LOVES animals! They calm him.
My son always says how Rosie has made our family life better. His comments regarding how 'Mom goes out now,and is so much happier' bring a warm fuzzy feeling to my heart. I am just finishing up some laundry and have been out shopping.(walking with Rosie) 6 times over the last 2 days! Rosie and I have shared some tears,( i love the rain because no one knows that you are crying)..she always brings me home. Thank you Rosie, you never let me down. Thank you for my life, you are my hope for the better days, and the laughter. With Rosie by my side I can keep going and become a better person. I can like myself and help others, (everyone I meet you would be amazed). With this post,.things are getting better! Thank you so much for listening to all our darkness and light!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!
MUCH HAPPIER POSTS TO COME AND LOTS OF XMAS PICS!!!!!!
'Who I am Makes a Difference!'