TRAINING MY MOM AND LOVING THE SUN! Jan.16, 2010

I love today! My mom is bright and happy, like the sun.  She is so serene yet full of life amongst the trees and mossy, bouncy fields at the park.  We are as one, so in tune with the welcoming warm air and majestic, emerald trees.  It is Saturday today and this day always proves an adventure at our park as we encounter many other dogs out for a spirited romp.

SQUIRREL!!  Sorry about that, those little furry creatures get the best of me!  I look at Mom, apologize with my eyes and look for a discreet place to, you know, nature calls!
Thanks Mom for cleaning that up!  I wonder why Mom picks up my poop? Strange really.  Hey! Shilo is here! My Golden Lab friend! We walk side by side with our owners, Shilo is always leashed and that makes me so happy that he is safe!  Happy chap that Shilo!  Timber! Where is your leash? My friend Timber is a huge Rottie cross, huge!  
Timber's heart is as big as he is, I pray he stays out of danger.

Together, we are a team in sync. We speak the same language and flow like a calm river stream. I wish we could stay here forever today! I met a dog that looked like a bedroom slipper, all white and fluffy. What is this? 'Spike' started barking, more like a 'yip, yip'!  Goodness!

Hey Mom, can we quietly just walk by this ferocious little slipper?  A husky cross was training over the grassy, soggy hill.  I watched with interest and remembered the early days of training with my Mom.

We were not always this natural, calm and confident!  My Mom was very nervous as to our understanding each other and I really did not know Mom either! I have travelled countless miles and lived with many other people. Would I stay here, who was this person?  Would she keep me safe and love me?  What can I get away with?  How am I going to train her?  Our early days together were funny, unorganized, clumsy, scary, frustrating, heart warming and full of promising success!

Just getting out the door seemed a complex maneuver!  Choke chain goes which way? Come on Mom, lets go!  'Dress', on with the cape, Mom's clumsy hands, practice, practice.  We are going shopping, first time as a team!!!!!! Sharon is coming too! Mom is racking her brains thinking of commands, at the proper time, the PERFECT, RIGHT command, don't mess up, figure out what to say to people, be calm, don't run over me with the shopping buggy, she's funny! I see Mom and wish she had 5 hands..awww. Wallet, leash, money, backpack, bankcard and me are confusing tasks in my Mom's mind.  Change falls, Mom pays with shaking hands and we survive! In the beginning, what the heck do ya hold on to first? It is just not natural! The cashier asks Mom the nerve racking question, "What do you have her for?!!".   Amazing clerk, she really rattled my Mom! Blunt, direct, almost accusing questions, on my Mom's first day! Mom is sweating and blushing! Her brain is on automatic pause, caught off guard, stuck.  Sharon to the rescue! Phew! Encounters of the service dog kind!  People will shock you, laugh at you, test you, question, and most sincerely appreciate and be proud of you. I feel that most all of the people we meet are kind, interested, friendly and very curious.

Our next challenge was a bus trip.  Ha, Ha! Ryan and Sharon came to help Mom and I, this time we both were VERY nervous! Where to sit, where do I put my butt and big fluffy tail, what does Mom say to the bus   driver?  We sat, we calmed, we rocked.  Today when we get on the bus we proudly take our disable seat, excuse me people! I tuck myself away promptly and we relax for the ride. I must admit the sky train takes getting used to! I seem to slide on the slippery floor and the loud vibration is threatening! I began to shake when some threatening person hit the sky train window with an angry, loud THUMP, THUMP !!!!!!!!  Mom, you were there to calm my fears and hug me. I was so very frightened.

                                                                                        

A bus driver told Mom she was not allowed to take me on the bus. Mom took on the challenge and explained that I was a certified assistance dog.  The bus driver was unbelieving and rude.  He exclaimed, 'that is not       even the right type of leash!'.  Mom wanted to say, 'I'm not blind, you idiot!', but she kept her cool. This was one individual that did not need to know Mom's illness, I know he would have been less than understanding!                

I remember training in Richmond with Sharon, Ryan and Turner. Sharon told Mom to call me to 'come'. Mom wanted to do everything, PERFECT! She started to move forward and 'come'. Yup, great move Mom but the commands are for me Mom, not you!! A leash is not a simple tool to conquer!  Mom used to hold my leash so high I thought she was trying to catch a bird! We laughed so hard! Mom has come a long way with her training since then!

She started taking pictures of me everywhere we went and even asking other people to take pictures of us together!  A very strong loving bond was formed and it grows stronger every day. A bond of trust and love from time together on many adventures.  Every day is a learning experience. If you are nervous, I know you are dedicated, you take me or your service pal seriously, you care. I promise to listen, if you don't nag, and will learn with you. Every mistake we make will teach us something we need to know.

My Mom and I have tripped over each other and fallen down, lost control over a sudden appearance of a nasty pooch, become entangled in the leash, stumbled on words and which side does she walk on again? When Mom first corrected me I had no clue what she was doing! Why are you tugging, I thought?  With practice Mom got it right and I know when I need to focus.  I found food under a restaurant table and ate it.  Mom was mortified! I have tested her patience and will continue to do so! My Mom is funny and she loves me so much, a little testing of her watchful eye is rather amusing and I like to know my boundaries.

Mom had to explain to best friends and family that she needs extra time, to get me ready, to potty me, to groom me, to be with me. They are just now starting to understand our relationship and take it seriously. If I cannot go with Mom, she will not go, period. Confidence!

I remember one JSR event when someone told my Mom, 'excuse me, your dog is walking out the door.' Mom jumped so fast off her seat I thought her butt was on fire! Funny Mom, she was so surprised!

Have you taken your service dog into a small bathroom stall yet? When even the handicap stall is small, this proves to be a wonderful new challenge! The bathroom stall door opens inward, so in we go. Now, Mom has to close the door with me directly in the way. She doesn't want to squish me so she directs me to the other side. It must be such a funny sight! Trying to maneuver with not even inches to spare! Squish, move, turn, Mom really has to go! I will tell you that Mom has done her business many times with the bathroom stall door open before we conquered the gymnastics of it all!  Oh my God! She would tell me, PLEASE don't sneak under the stall to those friendly looking feet next to us. Funny Mom!

Pick up my food dish? Pick up KEYS? Those nasty metal things? I don't think so! Thank you my friend Sharon for the patience and dedication to persevere with us. Throw me something now! I will retrieve it and give it to you. I will pick up my food dish too, you need your socks?

Enjoy your mistakes and downfalls, learn from them. Me and Mom did. Laugh at yourself and realize how far you have come, be proud.  I am here to lovingly serve my Mom, I trust her with all my heart. When I look at her my doggy heart smiles! I am dedicated to her because we have weathered the storms and come through it a better, stronger, connected,  team. Remember who you are, be proud, never stop learning and laughing!

Your hard work matters, who you are matters, tell yourself every day... 

"Who I Am Makes A Difference"               

                                            

EMERGING FROM THE DARK WITH MY LOYAL FRIEND

Its getting better! Little by little, life begins again. I am not quite there yet, still sleeping and waking at all hours. This butterfly knows she will be breaking out of that dark cacoon, I know it, right Rosie? Woof! 

The fog is clearing, there is joy creeping in! Thank you Rosie for the fresh cleansing rain at the park. I breathe life with you every morning. You were absolutely halarious today! Just plain goofy! Rosie, you lift my spirits, you make me laugh. Rosie would like the next blog to be funny, and I will give her that wish. Thank you for being with me through this very rough ride. I hang on strongly because I know you are all out there, and of course...
for us all....
'Who I am Makes a Difference'

For the wonderful new teams of West Coast Assistance Teams and all of us who have had the pleasure of training, loving and just trying to get darn organized with our special dogs by our side, the next blog should be quite entertaining. I am going to laugh and Rosie hopes you smile and have a giggle too!

Hugs and Love Always

Leanne and Rosie

BRUTAL

I must share with you the good times and the bad. How quickly mental illness can take it's ugly hold upon us! I forgot.  To know that you are there listening helps me, I need you now.  I have fallen. My eagle cannot fly and it saddens me. I cannot stop crying.
My Rosie is not just by my side but has her head constantly on my lap. She tries to make me laugh by picking up socks and throwing them up in the air. I roar!

She knows this is a very rough time, Mom is hurting.

I HATE this disease. It steals my life. I feel I have no control. I do not know how long this episode will last. I do know I will not answer the phone or have anyone in my house. I am so ashamed of my house, my appearance, my very being! My body hurts. I cannot get out of bed often. My Rosie alerts and barks, (right in my ear!) till I do get up,,good girl. Our trip to the outside world of the park is all I can handle right now.  I do not want to see anyone or talk to anyone, because I am very ugly.
Selfish? Yes, this disease is selfish. My world right now is of deep despair, my angel Rosie and my computer.

These wolves capture what I feel, I love them so much.  I love animals, they are the innocence of life. I cry for them. They feel, they hurt so bad.  When I see the pain in there eyes, someone hits me in the stomach, hard.

When times are dark, I am trapped, a prison cell cacoon.
So much shame, from where?  Self blame and guilt attacking every breath. I don't know. If not for my son and my Rosie, I would be in hospital. I know that for sure. They are the tiny light of connection, love and hope. I am so tired now and want to sleep, again! If I am not sleepy I will eat everything I can until I am. The binging will stop the tears for awhile. This is brutal.

Thank you so much for listening, it does mean the world to me. The best thing for a very depressed person is just to listen. Do not expect an answer to the phone, it is just to hard to talk, think and even know what to say. Answering the phone is a very scary thing during these times.  A psychiatrist told me when you do this you have a personality disorder, (amongst other symptoms). Whatever. He gave me a book to read. Did not help.   I want to get better. I am just so tired of something that grabs my neck when I least expect it, all through my life.  I am going to hug Rosie, my son and go to sleep.  I love you all and so deeply understand what is behind the everyday face we show to the world.  I have no choice right now but to go with what the demons are enveloping me in. This cacoon of cold, dark, sadness. I cry to hope that a butterfly will soon be free.

Reflections In This New Year

Hi everyone!
Rosie and I are so happy to say hello and Happy New Year!
I am different now.  I shower! I have showered every day for the past week.  This is good, yes?  This did not happen before. Somewhere in the journey of life I stopped caring.  I care now, I matter!
This realization is really rather astonishing!  I did crazy things with my hair over the holidays. I styled it, curled it and attached blond braided extensions. I put makeup on!  My wonderful friend gave me new makeup as mine was so old it was scary!
I wore nice, dressy clothes! I washed them and wore them again!  Christmas day at my sister's was amazing!
Rosie and I came home and then WENT OUT AGAIN on Boxing Day.  I kept going, I kept LIVING.
Can you guess who was right by my side through the laundry, showers, hugs and joy of this holiday season?
You got that right, my Rosie.

I flirted!  Me!  Ha, ha, ha...too outrageous!  I HAD FUN.  I mingled, chatted, laughed, hugged and cried.
I loved my family and dearest friends because of the furry warm support from my special girl.  Honestly, the best Christmas I can ever remember.  My sister cried when it was all over.  I could understand her happy tears. This was a very special Christmas. I LIVED it, wow!

Rosie?  She had the time of her life! Her elite group of holiday pals included Trinity, (the legendary Jack Russel), and her dearest friend Kessa, (my sister's husky/wolf cross).  We attended exciting West Coast Assistance Teams events where Rosie visited Buddy and Delhi. She even met her sister, Party!  Today Rosie met 'Buddy', my best friend's  Moluccan Salmon Crested Cockatoo.  Amazing bird! Social girl my angel is!

Listen to me! Hugs, love, people, laughter, fun, joy, confidence, tears, family; these are real for me now.  I believe them.

Heartfelt and most loving thanks to West Coast Assistance Teams.  Sharon, Ryan, Michelle, Scott and Mel, you comfort me. Sharon and Ryan, your gift of Rosie, your love and dedication is thought of every day and held special in my soul. 
Joyous thanks to Sue Turner and all involved in the unforgettable evening at the Cottage Bistro Pub in Vancouver.  A night I cherish with pride.
Take a diagnosed bipolar, clinically depressed, anxiety ridden, agoraphobic individual, ( I believe there is a personality disorder in there too!) and put her on stage to speak.  She has the support of her angel Rosie. She feels warm with the understanding, trust and comfort of the most wonderful people she has ever met.
There is no breakdown, the world does not end. She feels empathy, confidence, acceptance, worthiness and love. When can I go on stage again?!!! Bring it on 2010! Rosie and I are ready!

Well, I am off to bed, going to shower in the morning, (what!?) and do some shopping.  People are so attracted to Rosie when we are out and about! She connects me to this wonderful new life. You know, the darkness does creep into my life but I have the light and loyalty of Rosie to brighten those days.  It is nice to like myself, to love Rosie and to live.
Hugs, woofs and the warmest of wishes for the new year! You count in this world, without you the world would be less special place.  Tell yourself a loving truth,

'Who I Am Makes A Difference'

OUR MAGICAL XMAS NIGHT IN VANCOUVER!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

HAPPY UPDATE! NOV.18 TRIP TO VANCOUVER WATERFRONT. WOW!

Hi special people out there! Just wanted to add a happy update! 

I took my Mom to Vancouver today! If she is  bi-polar, (as previously diagnosed), or just a GREAT day,,then so be it. I was with her all the way! Perhaps it was the new meds, increase in meds, decrease in meds, Mom was awesome today. This day will be remembered as a victory.


Fun trip and BRAVE. We took a new route, (scary..but what might be at that waterfront station..a monster..dont think so)  I could tell this was a new, glowing, surreal experience for Mom. She was happy, confident and in awe of the Waterfront Station! Mom was a scientist, an intelligent observer of history.  I felt serene at her side, proud.
We were lost as how to get home...but WOW...the building architecture was spellbinding! Mom was in her glory.

Waterfront station proved to be a confusing route to our 'expo line' home to surrey. I heard Mom ask some people in the elevator for directions. Calm. We wound our way through hallways and staircases that melted away the gleam and sparkle of the Canada Line with every step. Interesting, calm, sad.
We FINALLY found the expo line to King George, Surrey. Older trains, older platforms...the real world. Away from the modern glass and glitter of the new line just in time for the winter games and tourists. I loved all my pets!!!

Thank you Rosie for a trip I will never forget, because it was so clear in my mind. Very calm, deeply introspective, very real.

We are home, Donny is at Dad's. IT IS WINDY!!!!!!!!
We are together and warm.
It was a great day.
I am thankful, I am at peace.
I Love you Mom.

BRAIN ZAPS AND ROSIE

HELLO!!!

It has been so long since I have posted and I have so missed you all! As the blog title suggests there have been some very bad times. This is the reason the post has been so long coming.  Time can pass with a mental illness when you do not wish to tell anyone how bad it is. The last month has been this way. I have been hiding in a place where a baseball bat has been hitting my head with every insult you can imagine.

It helps me to write and that helps me heal.  Rosie is forever by my side through the darkness and never fails to make me laugh. Rosie is the reason I get through this. She is with me every second, every day. Rosie is why I survive.

 I have promised to do things, disappointed and confused friends, and mostly been in a battle with my own mind. Rosie has been there through it all. The face I show to the world is acceptable, normal, even friendly. Rosie knows that these days have been surreal to me and scary,she knows, she looks at me. My HOPE in this 'mind battle' is Rosie. She makes me laugh!
Have you ever had that person in your life that you can remember that makes you laugh? They are oh so special. Rosie chases my cat around the couch, (when she forgets she is so behaved ),,she plays!  We all must remember to play!
My retreat to the isolation in life began with that nasty H1N1 flu, i got it. Its just the flu right? The doctor told me I had it and just to relax, treat it like the normal flu. Yup, ok. I can do that. Cried all the way home and sent Donny to his Dad's, (oh so far away in my mind), as my son is high risk. (chronic lung problems).


ISOLATION.............

Not so good for a person who is depressed. Nope. That began a month of missing my son, no homeschooling for my son..GUILT, (that can ruin you!) and a great trigger for a psychotic episode.  It happened.
To much time to think....to much time to be sad and sick. The ONLY thing that connected me to the world was............you guessed it! Rosie!
Rosie at the park, Rosie needed breakfast, Rosie was by my side. She's just there, always. Thank God.
My son is gone. I am lonely, sick, bored and depressed) Rosie is my lifeline, my best friend.

I can only control ONE THING.. I cannot control things i promise to do in the morning, things committed to, places i need to go. I am sad that I cant do things I mean too, they do not happen. I do not know why! It makes me confused! BUT  I can control my meds. I am out of meds.
I take Rosie to the park, our morning stroll. For some reason....for weeks...that is all I can do. WHY?

No more meds.  People wonder why people who need these meds stop them cold turkey. For a glorious moment the headaches are gone,no constant head heavyness! Your head is light! There is no pain in there! 

You reach the end of your rope, you just cant get out to get them, you stay home.I think I can do this..not so bad..some brain zaps..if there is anything i can do it is control my meds. When everything else in my life is out of control...at least i can do this. Just hang on one more day...stop the meds. Wake up to a sunny morning when your ok.  I cried for days.

I never miss taking Rosie out to the park, (she doesn't let me. alerts, barks,,paws at me,,good girl!). These days she always stared RIGHT at me, like something was wrong, it was.
The brain zaps,,were not really zaps. This is the withdrawal from the antidepressants I take. They are more like body movements,jerky shifts,  (when you are not moving),like body shadows moving very fast. I knew this would happen. I just wanted to handle it..to challenge something in my life and come out a winner, (have people like me and all that stuff). I lost this battle big time!

This is where Rosie came in to save my life. When  I had no meds, (the brain does not compute to ...get more!) I just thought...STAY HOME..handle it. By the time withdrawal came two days later, I could only walk with Rosie and a determined mind not to fall over. THIS morning i could nothing but run!!!!!!!! My whole body rushing and sweating and missing time....MISSING time in my mind,,,not my body..FREAKY!
I have looked this up and it is called the 'Cinderella Syndrome'. You think you move or fall, but you dont.

I CANT TELL YOU HOW ROSIE BY MY SIDE GOT ME TO THE DOCTORS!! Can you imagine? Me speeding at 100 miles per hour, (in my head), my feet feeling floaty enough to step INTO the sidewalk. We were home in a minute,,(it seemed) was actually 3 hours. Rosie took me, Rosie guided me, Rosie lead me home. I could not have done this without her. I would have been taken to the hospital.


I am back on my meds now. It frightens me to think of going off them, (wish i could,,maybe taper off). Always fighting that invisible illness.There is always that mindset that does not want to be mentally ill. Wouldn't you NOT want to be mentally ill? Its scary, and most importantly invisible. The day I floated to the Doctors with Rosie I talked to over 10 people, I talked fast.... They never knew how desperately I wanted that pharmacist to fill my prescription so I could walk home on concrete and not air,,(a bizzare, heart pounding air). They didnt know how I tried so hard to come off an addictive pill that i must take every day. They thought me friendly, talkative and sincere. Rosie stayed very close that day because she know the chaos inside, she knew.
Taking my meds, dam terrified to stop them. The doctor has given me some anti-anxiety meds that i had prevously stopped as they were addictive. They are helping. I must wonder about my antidepressants that when stopped have EXTREME consequences to body and mind and an anti-anxiety medicine that I can stop at anytime without any side-effects. These anti-anxiety medicines are labeled 'addicting'. hmmm....Just a thought for you out there that may help...Rosie is the best anti-anxiety medicine ever,,,just pet her head or stroke her fur.look into her eyes.You will know what I mean.

Happier Stuff!!!!!

My life has settled down EXTREMELY!! My son Donny is doing so well with homeschooling. Yes! I homeschool him! I am a very intelligent loving mom.

Leeta , (our kitty), is sitting by Donny as he reads his school book on Native Peoples. Donny LOVES animals! They calm him.
My son always says how Rosie has made our family life better. His comments regarding how 'Mom goes out now,and is so much happier' bring a warm fuzzy feeling to my heart.  I am just finishing up some laundry and have been out shopping.(walking with Rosie) 6 times over the last 2 days! Rosie and I have shared some tears,( i love the rain because no one knows that you are crying)..she always brings me home. Thank you Rosie, you never let me down. Thank you for my life, you are my hope for the better days, and the laughter. With Rosie by my side I can keep going and become a better person. I can like myself and help others, (everyone I meet you would be amazed). With this post,.things are getting better! Thank you so much for listening to all our darkness and light!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

MUCH HAPPIER POSTS TO COME AND LOTS OF XMAS PICS!!!!!!
Never Forget!
'Who I am Makes a Difference!'