We are back! Idunn and I welcome you all and are happy to announce the return to our blog. Fingers and paws are somewhat rusty, please hang in there with us until we are easily cruising along again. Happy New Year to all, we have truly missed you! Idunn will be so happy to see your comments again! She truly loves to tell you about her new journeys, and there will be so many to experience this year especially as we are set on traveling farther than we have ever dared before!
A beautiful sunrise this morning! Chilly and extremely refreshing! As I do not have a fenced in yard, I do wake up for potty call with Idunn, and these days, wake up fast! BRRRRRRR!
It has been nine months since we last visited!! Wow! Nice to be back, sipping on a nice, hot cup of tea and relaying Idunn's excited hello's and bum wiggles!
For now special friends, this warm hello and promise to be visiting with stories of not only our adventures, but also West Coast Assistance Teams news. This year should be the best blog ever, I can't believe Rosie's blog, (my previous service dog and angel in heaven), started in August of 2009! How blessed I am to have found West Coast Assistance Teams and enjoy the independent life that Rosie and now Idunn allow me to have. Thanks from my heart for listening, I hope you follow our blog and can promise you laughter, tears, hugs and cheers! There is hardly a dull moment in the life of West Coast's teams, puppy raisers, family and friends!
Wonderful to have you along with us, just like old times but better!! Older, and wise to realize that every day is an opportunity to learn something new, to push forward, to get back up and try again. You are important! Do not stress about the future, it hasn't happened yet! No guilt for the past, what is done is past tense....live in the now, tell yourself,
'The time of Wabun is the time of healing of the mind. This is the place we seek if we need to find the truth of life and get rid of any lies that might be binding us to old places that keep us from new beginnings.'
Wabun, the Golden Eagle has brought courage and clarity of seeing to Idunn and I. It is never just me, but ALWAYS me and Idunn. As it was with my angel, Rosie, miss you every day my pretty girl. Life for me is only real when there is a service dog by my side. When there was none, well, let's just not even go there. Idunn gives me courage, to go where I want to go. Her special gift is one of LAUGHTER!! Idunn in all her prestine royalty can make me laugh like I have never laughed before!! Idunn stretches her royal self only to look at me, sneeze and bow in a goofy way that only a Collie can, she is silly!! I must go give her a hug right now as she is ROYALLY splotched on my couch but is looking at me with the most loving, deep set, welcoming eyes. I love her so much!
I also LOVE Aboriginal dancing, actually, ANYTHING Aboriginal! My life has taken a mysterious, spiritual, joyous turn lately and with this in mind and body, Idunn and I easily went to this event. No doubts, fears, or anything holding us back, hurry up bus!!! The sun was shining and any thought of mental illness was non existent, Idunn was prancing!
The drumming people, and it was LOUD!! Idunn was as calm as ever, she was perfect. I made sure to keep her safe from too much loud noise and in the shade, it was becoming very hot in the sun, the dancers ...danced for hours!!
I will post for you special friends, the photo's of this very spiritual and uplifting day, I will never forget it, ever. My words are gone, and I am tired trying to think how to express them, so I leave you to enjoy the photo's and Idunn's never ending patience with life and wherever I take her.
I wish to write more, but I can't. I am so trying to but pounding the keys instead with a vengeance that is not in tune with this glorious day.
Remember that you SO make a difference!!! YOU really do! and i love you :):):):):)
Love and Joy to my special friends and family :) Tranquil, healing hugs to Sharon, my friend whose endearing patience and support never fails to amaze me! Idunn and I are enjoying life like never before and embracing the warm hugs of Spring. We are on a new journey and trusting the gentle clarity of nature and earth. We are becoming aware of serene, beautiful places and celestial, sacred spaces. There is even more to explore and experience because of the confidence Idunn gives to me.
It has been extremely difficult for me to concentrate and write. I have blocks where the words used to flow, a cherished gift can now bring me sorrow. The same patient friend, who truly knows pain, wisely spoke, "write only a little, the words will flow again."
You are all so worthy and unique in your personal journey........
My son took this picture. It has been wet and cold. The kind of cold that gets to your bones and especially that area in your back that won't get warm no mater how many blankets you TRY and cover it with, (because your furry loving family is cuddling up to stay warm too!) So you fall asleep knowing they are safe and warm, (oh my back is cold!), and wake to BLAST the heat for your morning java.
I imagine someone snapping a photo as my son cuddles in, (we found a NASTY, sleepy wasp in his room the other night, AND he read about some false SPIDER disease that lays spiders in your bloodstream that I PROMISED to read first thing with my java this am), my kitty plopped on my cramping arm and my beloved Idunn who has stolen my pillow and declared this warm spot of my bed to be her own. I would not have it any other way, it is warm, (sort of), and it is love.
Since this past sad summer, when time stood still with Rosie's illness, I cannot believe how time is now going so fast! I have begun this blog many times in my head and had to rearrange my head because SO many things have happened since Rosie's Great niece, Idunn, has come into my life. My son played a video of Rosie yesterday and I broke into tears not knowing why it affected me so instantly and brutally. Such is the love a service dog.
Idunn is giving this love of life back to me with every second I breath. The last five days though, I don't want to get up. I know it is my disease returning after the 'high' of getting Idunn, because I feel the devastating, 'drop'. I feel the couch eating me up, the television turned on at 10:00 am, drapes closed and shameful hiding from the world, total disgust at what I have not cleaned or the shameful person I am. Never goes away, I know this. Manic is a very hard thing to come downfrom.
I hope your chasing squirrels my angel, I miss you Rosie.
My housecoat has been my forever, heavy blanket and it pins me to my house, bed and couch with the weight of a vise squeezing at first on my head and then all the way down to my ankles. Why has this come back? I have so much to DO! And I cancel all of it, I cannot do anything, the shackles have returned. I HATE this disease, I hate me, I miss Rosie.
I cannot look outside of the prison that has returned to paralyze me on the couch, sleep. Can't move, don't want to, and 4 days go by drowning in self hatred. I do not know why, I don't. Today is Saturday. PLEASE let me wake up to Idunn's sweet kissies and make it go away!!
Good Morning sweet girl. It's Saturday. I'm back! Sort of, but the squeezing housecoat has gone away for now, god I hate that housecoat. I am going to think of all the things I have done this month, AMAZING, wonderful and numerous things!! wow! (housecoat sneeking back...GO AWAY!)...mental illness sucks, even I don't understand it after over fifty years of living it, I sure know that it hurts and hurts enough to kill. But, I don't want to die.
There's my smiley girl!!
We went on the bus to Donny's, (my son's), school for his poetry class. Rainy, dark icky day and we made it. That is what Idunn helps me do, make it!Today was a better day, and the day before, a better day. I know that my illness will never go away and that some days it will grab a hold and squeeze me paralyzed, but the days it does this are decreasing, to only maybe 4 days a month. This was my every day life before service dogs. I never really lived before my service dogs, I never felt alive.
Idunn gets the reality separate from the disassociation, (getting lost in your own reality or self), and brings me back, from the couch, she 'wakes' me up, even when I don't want to be woken up. The reality is, I have been EVERYWHERE with Idunn :):):), Tradex Dog Show, Puppy training class, my son's school for numerous classes, buses, parks, always with confidence and a calm demeanor, beautiful~ So I never expected the return of my depression after a manic, then subdued, peaceful and most welcome period in my life. Just looking and loving my Idunn was taking me to a higher level of loving myself and appreciating everything that was happening, there was no 'numb feeling', but a renewed sparkle, just look at her, wow!
I was doing extremely well. Ya, well that's when the disease get's ya, full force, SLAMS ya down, no mercy, 'couch land' with shackles for you. And believe me, you stay shackled.
Sorry readers, for my language, but F**K YO*, dam mental illness...I have a life to lead and the sweetest service dog that awakens me every morning with loving kisses. If you don't go away she will paw me and kiss me some more. If you persist on bringing me down, she will bark and jump on me! Idunn's love will bring YOU DOWN. She does every morning, I forget the prison when her cold nose touches my face. Then, a friendly paw, then, (if I STILL do not get out of bed), a JUMP on the bed and INSISTENCE nose nudges till I get out of bed, Idunn is the BEST and most loving way to wake up, only Idunn could push away the demons with such a sparkle, so simply, they are gone.
This blog has not really been about all the adventures and life Idunn has made possible for me the last month and a half but more about living with mental illness and how Idunn helps me with it, I could not live the life I do without her. The monsters that chain me to the couch still take hold but Idunn's sweet and loving nudges bring me back to life and dissolve them for me. Every human being I encounter, I encounter with nervousness but with Idunn there, I'm special again, I count, I matter. I always have existed, but without her by my side, to my mind, I don't.
Remember,
'Who You are Makes a Difference', you matter to me special and most loved readers. I hope you know how much.
I believed that this post would be difficult and heartbreaking. This is the farthest thing from the truth. The hardest experience was to be with my ill friend and say goodbye to her, the joy comes with the precious gift she, and I am sure had some VERY special connections in heaven, gave to me with the help of family here. I shed many tears even as I write this blog as Rosie was the first miracle in my life. I will never forget her or miss her every second of my life. Rosie, my girl, you taught me to believe in life.
Rosie is proud to announce her successor for me, Rosie's Great niece, a perfect fit, Idunn.
Idunn, pronounced, Eden, (like the garden of Eden!) is my new psychiatric assistance dog. Rosie is looking down from heaven with endless love and approval. She does not want me to cry but to love Idunn with all that is in my heart for Idunn is my new best friend and way to a brighter future. I will do you proud Rosie my girl, I promise.
Rosie passed away peacefully in my arms after a summer of much hope that her body would heal and she would recover. This was not to be so and her golden heart stopped beating on Sept. 15, 2011. I hugged her and was so happy that her suffering had ended. Then came the sorrow, guilt and loneliness, despair, darkness and surprising extremely manic episode that followed. I have NEVER cleaned 24/7 as after Rosie passed, and thank you Rosie girl, my house sure needed it! Rosie, God has a very special place for you and I am so joyful in my heart that you are there. I treasure the day I see you again, my special girl. Now, I must live and carry on with LIFE! I closed the doors till Idunn arrived and celebrate her arrival my Rosie girl! Look what has been going on!
(click on any photo to enlarge :)
'One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar'
Helen Keller
Idunn is all of this and no other dog could envelope my heart like Idunn does. The day we met Marlene, I loved her so and you for allowing me to take Idunn home. I knew the second Idunn jumped out of her car that I loved her. We went for a long walk up the field and towards the pond. There we had a long talk. She looked into my eyes, I looked in hers and all was well. We knew we did not know each other to well but we also knew that we could touch deep within our souls and make it work. I do not know if any of you my friends have ever known a Collie but when you feel them within your heart there is nothing else like it, this is how it was with Idunn.
'I am not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship'
Helen Keller
Thank you Marlene for the Beagles love and cuddles, after weeks of loneliness, they were the very best medicine, Idunn being the most comforting of all. I was at peace after a very long and sad time, I felt life anew!
I am blessed to add that my ship is stronger, with a most tremendous strong base, and filled with the years of Rosie's love, devotion and loyalty. With Idunn, I am confident I will experience the most life has to offer in all its beauty and opportunities. Our service dogs and the life they give us carries on to successor dogs that can only enrich the knowledge that we have already learned and cherish. Thank you Rosie, forever in my heart.
Idunn, you are more than worthy to accompany me into my future. You are my kisses, BIG kisses!
You are my life, my love and my connection to the real world. My beautiful Idunn, I already love you more than you will ever know! Welcome to my home, you forever loving home my new girl! I love the fun you are having and the wiggle in your tail! I love your attentive look and the way we need each other. Most of all, I love that you are you, and that you fit into my little quiet family the way you do.
Thank you Idunn for making me laugh and smile and live life!!! Rosie is woofn from heaven above!!
Just to be around you is life.
All my love,
Leanne
'Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows'
Helen Keller
Rolling in my new home grass!
~A furry and close little family is what life is all about~
~Cherish it always~
I give thanks for a paw to hold, a heart to cherish, a friend to love.
My new friend Idunn has already drawn me to new friends, experiences and most importantly the ability to function in life. Life is born again as I never thought it would be, thank you Idunn, all my new friends and my beloved West Coast Assistance Teams Family.
All my most special readers, I truly hope you enjoy our new adventures as Rosie would want us too and Idunn is very eager to share!! Love you all, never forget,
Who you are makes a Difference!!!
I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty and joy to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble
This will not be a sad, lonely post but a thank you to my Rosie's spirit who has carried me on, and still pushes me, every day, and it's not a mild push! It will be a week tomorrow since my beloved angel passed to her rainbow bridge and I want this post to be her inspiration to anyone who has lost a beloved best friend. If you happen to share my sorrow or have lost a service dog, I only know that you must believe, life goes on. It just does.
Your best friend is gone, your way of life, your way of coping, surviving, loving life, and just plain every day functioning. There was actually nothing plain about it, miracle is a better word.
I have not stopped cleaning, (FEROCIOUSLY cleaning), since the day Rosie passed, and it is a good thing. I have enveloped my kitty and son in loving attention, Rosie would approve. Although, every second of every day is different, quiet, surreal and very, very, numb. At first I tried to see Rosie in everything I saw, felt, touched, smelled and experienced. I had to let that go.
Rosie was not to be in any moment of my life that I wanted her to be in, she was gone. The finality of her passing, I denied for days. I looked at pictures, many, many pictures, over and over again. Maybe she was just at my sisters? Your brain plays comforting tricks on you when your reality tells you that Rosie would never be anywhere without you.
Shock and Denial and I would add SURREAL, to this list. I felt a familiar loss of reality when my Mom died, a disconnection, a denial.
Then, I tried to walk to the store. I stopped breathing with loss. I turned back twice, I vomited not the first time since Rosie died, but, I made it.
I promised myself to NEVER do that again, too freaking scary!! A nightmare! I tried again today, pushing myself is something I rather admire about myself and I was blessed enough that BOTH times a friend saw me and helped me, must of looked a mess!
Denial, shock, downright hell on earth. Just sucks.
Life just sucks. Clean, cry, clean, cry, clean, cry, sleep, wake up and cry. All around you, life goes on, people say their blessings and forget, life goes on. Cars drive by, people phone, (I don't answer), kids scream outside, SHUTUP!!! Grief takes it toll. Anger is a stage, and I fully realize this because I wanted to hurt myself, for hurting Rosie, for not helping her, for not saving her. Grief, guilt and blame.
Thinking of Buddy saved me, and thinking of the Rainbow Bridge. Time saved me. Thinking I wanted to bop the bitchy young girl at the gas station that was so MEAN to me saved me. I have NO time for people now, I do not even LOOK at them if they are not family or close friends, terrified of them to tell the truth. Grief..anger, betrayal.
The last two days, I have not pressured myself so much to see Rosie in the clouds or believe that she is coming back, because you do. I saw her die, but dreamed that the veterinarian did something wrong and I hired a detective to get her back. I dreamed she was in a corral with a horse that was hurting her, I could not save her. Grief, denial, blame.
Only today did I stop pushing, (except for yet another trip by myself that a friend saved me from, my mental illness, not my tears), and I felt a warm, tender ray of sunshine push through to me. I had to let it come to me and stop so desperately looking for Rosie in my life, she no longer lives in my life, but in the sunshine and HER life. I had to let it be. I saw her smile in the clouds.
The stages of grief go on and around and upside down and sideways, all through your emotions and physical body like a roller coaster. Sometimes calm and serene, sometimes like a bulldozer. I know that the bulldozer hits you when you least expect it, a smell, a song, any remembering moment in your life cascades a flood of memories that leave you breathless, stunned, sad. It's like your lost one is right there, but you can't touch them, it's like their life has returned to you, but you can't get it. Grief, your alone.
Your very precious reason for living, IS very precious and has been returned to their home. I believe now that Rosie was sent to me, little insignificant me, as a very treasured gift. I could not keep her forever.
She had to return to her home where she will run and play and not feel any pain, she deserves that. I must not own her, she has a place to go. I was given a gift and so loved that gift that I never, ever wanted to let it go, it was mine! Rosie came to me to teach me, to let me enrich my life and cherish what she taught me. Most importantly, what she taught me must carry on because that is why she became a part of my life. This must be the HARDEST part of letting someone so miraculous go, to take what they taught you and carry on in life, because life goes on. Grief, acceptance, purpose.
Rosie was a miracle. She truly was. A very wise person told me that what a service dog does is make the service dog's person a miracle. The dog makes the person truly believe in their self. The spiritual and physical connection between a person and their service dog is infinitely 'healing'. It is like the service dog has brought their person back home.
I still feel the 'home' Rosie taught me but of course everything is different now. When someone you love is gone, every molecule of what you see is gone, though everything is still there. Grief, sometimes you just do not know what stage you are in and do not care. I do know that I am feeling ever bit of it and hope that sharing this with you might help you when you are lonely or in need of a loving story of hope.
Rosie taught me hope, to carry on, get off the couch!
I have forgotten how very miraculous that was for me to just get off the dam couch! It was my prison.
I wrote in a previous post that I could not clean my bathroom because it smelled of Rosie and her many baths because of her illness this summer. My bathroom had a dark blue shower curtain and dark blue towels.
Today I bought a white curtain with what I think, is on it, a tree of life. To some...ya, a shower curtain with a stuffy toy, to me a celebration of life with my Rosie above it all. Maybe kind of silly and crazy? Well, never said I was sane, and starting to love myself just the way I am. My life is becoming increasingly brighter every day with the light of Rosie's spirit and all she taught me about living life.
I am feeling better now, even though I know the stages of grief can grip you like a vice and not let go, they still do, especially at night. When it is time to stop moving, everything is done and there is only time to think, to miss someone. Night time is very hard.
When sleep finally arrives and a good dream dissolves into my morning, I awake with only the medicinal smell of Rosie. No Rosie to bath, medicate and comfort. Thank you God, I know there must be many squirrels at the Rainbow Bridge for her.
There are so many people to talk to, to help, to let them know the miracle that is life, they can live it!
Many more adventures to come my friends, I hope there is something, somewhere in this post that may light your way to some comfort and peace. Our loved ones want us to keep learning till we see them again.
Hi! My name is Idunn, and I am Rosie's successor Psychiatric Service Dog for my partner Leanne. Rosie was Leanne's first service dog and will never be forgotten for her love and service. She taught Leanne to love life and not be afraid of it. With Rosie's miraculous love Leanne can continue to love life at even a higher level with me, Idunn by her side. Assistance for Body, Mind and Soul is a group of dedicated Assistance Dog users who wish to relate their experience and provide information to help others.
The group works in partnership with West Coast Assistance Teams Society. West Coast is a registered charity that provides BC government certified assistance dogs for people with physical and psychiatric disabilities.
