Saturday, September 5, 2009


The "Eye of the Hurricane"

It is calm and quiet today.  The terror and panic of the world has faded to a whisper.  A thought comes to my mind how when I was a child my mother would threaten to get the bad people to ‘take me away’.  Being adopted I knew in my little mind that she could. It is strange how childhood terrors come back.  I can remember every detail in vivid clarity.  Mom was so angry and picked up the big black dial phone.  I can see it so clearly, looking way up, she was making the call.  I was crying and pulling on her dress to please not send me away.  I was 5. 
 I calmly dress Rosie for a trip to Safeway.  When you need to buy toilet paper, you have to go!  My previous attack seems like a bad nightmare, although I am aware.  Rosie and I are in what reminds me of   ‘the eye of the hurricane’.
It is strangely numb here.  I am tired.  Teenagers across the street are bouncing balls and riding quads. The noises are muffled, soft.   We encounter friendly people. Yet the world is still not as I think it should be.  There is a fog, though calming, I would like to break through it.  This is a nice place to be, yet I know the dark, swirling winds are all around us.  For now they are at a safe distance.  I love the stillness.
 This means a trip to my Doctors to increase my meds.  I am aware that my illness is knocking at the door.  The trick is to beat it from coming in. I would like my Effexor antidepressant increased from 150mg to 225 mg.  I am no stranger to psychiatric medicines.  I know that the increase will not only affect my serotonin levels, but also my norepinephrine levels at the higher dosage.  At 300mg plus, dopamine is also believed to be increased, maybe.  I will be very cautious with the increase.   A psychiatrist once prescribed me Wellbutrin. The drug increased dopamine levels.  I never heard voices before this drug.  The voices were nasty!  I never heard them again after flushing the meds and seeking a new doctor!
This illness involves countless meds, trial and error.  You do not just take a pill and get better, far from it!  You take MANY pills. Some are unbearable.  My history of treatment:  Tricyclics, introduced in the 1950’s such as Amitriptyline and Impramine.  These are now replaced by safer prescriptions.  These   antidepressants can cause fibrillation of the heart.  I have experienced this first hand with a suicide attempt in my early 20’s.  Trial and error, life and death.  Prozac would make me so numb, no pain. Only I would drop what I was holding on too, all the time. I flushed them away.  Even feeling pain was better than an emotionless, void world.  Next med please!!
Celexa! I could function! I could work! The only problem was the dosage had to be increased.  Many, many, many times!   At 80 mg I was a zombie, a very sad zombie.  This dosage is for people with OCD, not me.  Coming off this drug I experienced ‘Cinderella Syndrome’. It is not pleasant.  I fell backwards and wondered why people around me did not help.  I never fell, it was in my mind. 
The darkest of all were the bipolar meds, helpful to a point but deadly.  I have read that Depakote will make you fat, bald and old.  It did.  Let us try a good old antipsychotic!  I trusted my psychiatrist.  Seroquel was prescribed.  I was starting to wonder if I should just check myself into an asylum.  So is the stigma of this disease.  I need information!  The internet scared me to death.  Insane asylums and drooling people.   I cannot take Seroquel.
 Doctors, I understand.   I do not have heart disease.  I have a disease that even experts in the field do not fully understand.  I have a disease of the mind.  It is said that we use only 10% of our mind’s potential.  The mind is not understood, so how can I help myself? 
I have begun to lose weight walking with my best medicine ever!  I do not imagine falling anymore.  My hair is full.  My current meds will be put where Rosie can bring them to me in the am.  I will never forget my kind grade 1 teacher, Mrs. Mclean.  She told me to write.   Be wary of the hurricane and the stigma.  Thank you from my heart for listening.  I believe that every human being just needs to be heard.
‘Who I Am Makes a Difference’

*A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING MY MEDS* I am a patient and CERTAINLY not a doctor.  Please do not feel that the medications I have listed may not work for you.  A fact of treatment of psychiatric disorders is that one medicine may help someone that does not help another.  Unfortunately, that is the reason we have such a hard time being treated.  Thank you for listening to the battle with my personal trial and error medications.  Every person is affected differently by these meds! I wish you all well with your journey!


  1. I agree, every person needs to be heard, with respect and open mind. I am glad that Rosie is the best medicine for you, because she is a special companion in your life, that will help you save your life. She is a very special animal that you will never part from. I can only just imagine the meds you were put on. I once had a friend that had to take several meds to ward off her bi-polar/schirophrenia and some of the personalities were not nice to experience. Michelle and I had to call the police a few times because we thought she was going to cause herself harm. Your true friends will love you for you Leanne!

  2. I remember my mom used to take me to a child Psychiatrist, because I couldn't hear. I remember his name too, Dr. Black, and I was 3 years old. He told my mom to go and get my hearing checked. I remember the audiologist I had too she was so nice! I also remember my speach Therapist I had for 4 years in Elementary, for 3 days a week, her name was Mrs. McCullum. She even took me to her house once. She was the greatest teacher I had, and my Grade 1 teacher was Mrs. Cuthbert, she was awesome as well. I have a long memory of things. Darkness can be depressing at times, especially when not in your control. I have no issues of my distant past, just dealing with stuff in the now.

  3. Thanks for sharing again.... I can't help feeling so sad for that little 5 years old girl, being so scared that bad people were going to 'take her away' that is so horrible! My mom used to tell me that she was going to sell me to Johnny Junk from the big dump down our road. I was about 5 too, it was terrifying. As my kids are also adopted I will be sure NEVER to say such things and regardless of how frustrated I am at times I will always strive to make them their lives feel as stable and loved as possible. Love ya! J

  4. My dear Leanne,, I am truly sorry,,I know what a wonderful person you are ,I need to feed on that ,, I hold my Odie and he understands,,your grade one teacher was so right ,you are a writer!!I love you

  5. Hey Leanne as you and I are on the same meds I know exactly what you are going through if you forget to take them. Yikes it is not a good day that day. I am so glad that Rosie is a part of yours and Donnys life. I have always believed that animals are one of the biggest healers. They can do so many amazing things for the heart and mind. Take care and keep writing I enjoy it. You are such an incredible writer.

  6. Thank you so much Christina! I know that you know how the meds are and appreciate your comment as a personal one! Please keep following my blog and I will keep close to you. The meds road is not an easy one and I know that you realize how animals can heal. Hugs to you my friend, take care always.