Thursday, September 3, 2009

Rosie Helps Me Through The Terror

 Anxiety attack day. I became so afraid of the world in a matter of minutes. LOUD noises, why is everything so loud?   My heart is beating fast. People look threatening.   I am beginning to tremble.  I am going to cry and know that if I let it out, the tears won’t stop and I will lose control.  I do not feel like me, me is gone.  I think I am going to fall down because my knees are trembling. I cannot see things as they should be.  Oh god, please don’t let this be happening again. It is.  I am holding on to Rosie for dear life.
There are screaming teenagers coming close to us. They are LOUD, they are scaring me. I am so very frightened, I feel terror.   One of them races by us on his bike, barely missing Rosie by inches.  She does not startle, she is glued to my side. Rosie is safety in this strange world that is surrounding and choking me. There are more teenagers, throwing things, making the deafening noises that are making my heart beat out of my chest.
 I run into Safeway to tell the security guards but it is hard to think, speak or breathe.  Rosie is so close to me and the only connection to reality I have right now.  I think if I leave the store at the far entrance I will not see the gang of teenagers. I am trying to survive, create an escape route and get home before I completely lose control. I am seeing the world through sheer panic.  Rosie knows I need to get home. 
All of a sudden a man is arguing with me. He is dark and dirty, I notice huge scabs on his arms and legs. He smells like rotting garbage and Rosie is moving very close to me.  His hair is oily, messy and black. He is slurring his words as if drunk.  He is very angry and LOUD.  In my mind I am terrified.
 He is yelling at me that dogs are not allowed in the store and he is coming closer.  Rosie is calm, seated and extremely alert.  I cannot speak.  He is so close now his smell is making me sick. The cashier is trying to calm the man but he is oblivious to her.
 I think he wants to hurt me, I know he does.  He reaches violently to try to grab Rosie, he became so close to us that Rosie had to nudge him to keep him back. Rosie then looked directly at me with her loving eyes to see if I was ok, making sure she kept space between us and this horrible man.  I believe she saved both of us from injury and further confrontation.
 Rosie was now safely blocking me.   She had the sense and ability to do what I, (in my state of panic), could not.
The security guards took the man away.  I am crying, shaking and not in this world of reality.  Rosie took me home, auto pilot? More like auto service dog!  My son was at home by himself. What would have happened without my service dog? I know for a fact that without her I would have been taken away by ambulance; unable to find my way out of the terror, panic and my surreal world.  My son would have been left alone to worry about his mom.   Rosie got me home to safety and my meds.
 I am home now.  Why did my illness rear its ugly head when I least expected it? So many good days and then I spiral down in a second. I am starting to breathe again while hugging Rosie. She is my gentle, loving, supportive service dog that allows me to have the courage to face a sometimes scary world.
My illness will be with me always and that has terrified me today.   Rosie will be with me through every day and every challenge.  I have her to give me the courage to face the monsters that my mind challenges me with.  Rosie is my loyal companion, service dog and most beloved member of our family. I will NEVER give up with her by my side.
My ‘Kiss From a Rose” will never forget to let me know
 ‘Who I Am Makes a Difference’


  1. my dear Leanne,, you are so brave,, I know you will get braver and stronger,, keep going with your Rosie,, your angel from God,,love you forever!!!hugs from Mom and Odie

  2. Wow, that was incredible, I cannot begin to imagine what your illness is like... well I can now thanks to your sharing !! I think it's beautiful and important to be so brave and share your story to raise awareness and tolerance for people with disabilities. (BTW you have impressive writing skills my dear) my prayers are with you

  3. An "invisible disability" is truly that, even for those that have it. The unexpected never knowing when it will raise it's ugly head and take over your mind & life. They say that to "face our fears makes us stronger". Well today you were tested, and passed with flying colours. Trust in each other and you will always face the "Fears"
    Wishing you the best of days together
    Sharon & Ryan

  4. Thank you for sharing my fears with me,it warms my heart. If Rosie and I can help anyone that is living with that 'invisible' monster,we are honoured. Thank you everyone for believing in me.

  5. Wow Leanne, I am so sorry you had such a bad day. I hope you feel better. You are an incredible writer. You should write more. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

  6. I am sorry you had to go through this, I am glad that Rosie was with you, she is your gaurdian angel as well as your son Donny. Your friends love you very much, and we care about you. I am glad that man didn't bother you anymore after the security gaurd took him out of the store. I am glad that Rosie cued in to take you home when she knew you needed to get home and feel more safe. Love you always my friend.

  7. Hi Leanne & Donny. I just finished reading all of your writing. It is very nice to hear updates of you and your family.

    I am proud of you and thankful that you and Donny are reaping the benefits of having Rosie in your family. I have an idea of how difficult your struggles can be and it is so nice to hear the healing abilities that an animal can have.

    I hope you continue to progress and lead the life that you desire/deserve.

    Love you all.